Recognizing parental authority

>>Reading this post (Avivah’s note: about disciplining a nine year old) left me wondering, sort of from the ‘devil’s advocate’ perspective, what happens when children are so astute that they understand that they can just keep saying no, that they can refuse, and they can refuse the punishment as well? Has that never happened to you? I’ve heard other parents in real life discussing this issue… and a common response is that “every child has their currency” (or hot button’s, or the things that can be taken away from them that matter to them). I know that in your family the consequences are usually something to do with taking care of the family (cleaning, cooking, that sort of thing), but a child could just say no to those things, at some point. What do you do then? I don’t really like the idea of finding a child’s ‘currency’ – meaning, finding that one thing they love dearly, perhaps the one thing that is meaningful in their lives, and just taking it away.<<

It’s true that many parents get into a tizzy when their child flouts their authority.  What’s surprising is that parents expect them to listen when they’ve never clearly conveyed to their children that the parents are the authorities in the home.  If you have a child who listens to you and you’ve never had to flex your parental authority, then you have an unusual child!

As I’ve shared before, my consequences are generally linked to the area a child was struggling with.  A child who complains about a particular chore will get more days doing that chore.  Someone who is mean to a sibling will have to play with them and be extra nice to them for a set amount of time.  I can do this because I recognize and use my parental power; I wouldn’t necessarily tell someone who hasn’t yet established their authority to do what I do.

When you have parental power and your child knows it, you’ll be tested a lot less since they know there will be an unpleasant outcome if they cross you.  My kids recognize this, and I don’t often have to assert that authority in a big way.   Do they ever say ‘no’ to me?  Yes, it happens, and I deal with it immediately.  Saying ‘no’ repeatedly and refusing to honor your parents isn’t a sign of an astute child; rather it’s a sign of a child who is testing and can clearly see that his parents are afraid to back up their words with action.

I don’t like the idea of taking away something that has ‘currency’, as expressed above.  To me it’s a clear indication that the parent doesn’t have much authority, and the only thing they can think of to do is take away the special toy/electronics/cell phone.  If they didn’t have that to take away, they’d have no way to get their child to respect their requests, would they?  The idea that a parent has to borrow power – because they obviously don’t have it – by taking away something precious is the root of the problem.

You as a parent must recognize and be willing to exercise your parental power to establish your authority.  To help you recognize the kind of power you have as a parent, I’m going to be crystal clear about this, even at the risk of being called heartless and controlling:

YOU ARE THE PARENT AND YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER.  HE HAS NOTHING WITHOUT YOU.

You control access to everything – food, friends, phone, computer, games, clean clothes  – EVERYTHING.  Every single thing a child has is a privilege.  And your child needs to know that.  You don’t have to resort to taking away favored objects – you simply remove access to basics.  A child who disobeys gets nothing (obviously he continues to receive basic food, water, and bathroom access) and does nothing until ready to acknowledge he is living in his parents’ home, under his parents’ generosity and under his parents’ rules.

I know, I’m making you squirm in horror, right?   Don’t think it will work?  Try it. They learn very fast. But only if a parent doesn’t get squeamish about doing what needs to be done to raise their child well.

(This post is part of Works for Me Wednesday.)

Avivah